Patience

 Patience or pleasure?

The biggest damn question I've been asking myself in the last few weeks.

I love my girlfriend. I love her so fucking much. But I have to question so many things 'cause of her.

I never wanted a relationship because of sex. I never really wanted any kind of serious shit with people who I just wanted to have sex with.

I never thought my first thoughts when I get into a relationship would be about sex, and they actually aren't. I'm in love with this girl, I don't know how it happened so fast, but she really just has something that sucked me in.

She's young, she's a rebellious spirit, she's just really in her teenage years, and acts like it. I love and also somehow hate that about her. She does not listen to me most of the time, and I don't want to sound like a granny, who always complains about youngsters. 

And then, there's this problem we're currently dealing with. Sex.

She has had...quite a lot of relationships, mostly with girls, and one with a boy, which she was forced into pretty much. She has never had sex, she probably, in my opinion, has never even thought about having sex with either of her partners before. Which I truly understand. She just turned fifteen, she was really just much younger when with her exs. She's still not stable and ready enough to have sex... But she is really going for it with me.

She told me she doesn't want to rush anything because of the things above. But even though she told me that, she just goes for foreplay, even when we're literally outside in pretty much a snowstorm, and almost starts stripping me. I just don't fucking get it. I'm not really mad at her, it's just I don't understand what she really wants. She touches me, she gave me hickeys, she touched me in private places, and if I didn't stop her the other day, she would have just went for it. And could have slid under my pants, or even take anything off me. 

And now it's actually her, who's pretty upset, for always stopping her, for not letting her do those things again that day. And me being upset, because it's another day when I go home turned on, and can't do much, because I'd really love to have my girlfriend do the things I would when touching myself. 

But she wouldn't, because it's just her mouth talking, not her brain thinking.